So, Tom and I went to the cinema last night. I liked the film mostly. And it was nice to go out on a date with Tom again like in the first phase of our acquaintance, to make myself a little prettier than for a night at home. The difference was the fact that there was no more insecurity, no more ‚Does he just like me or like me?’, no more ‚Should I lean my head on his shoulder, or will he take my hand?’ We were comfortable with each other and held hands whenever we could. I wondered if he also felt a little shy or slightly embarrassed to be holding my hand in public. When I asked him the next morning on the way to work, he said that he likes it. We came home very late, ate a snack and got ready for bed. This is also no longer unusual. I was tired, but would have liked it if we’d held each other as closely as on Monday, but wearing less. We kissed in the dark, but that was all. I stroked Tom’s bare arms and shoulders and collar bones and couldn’t stop because I was so full of appreciation for him. He seemed so wonderful, so beautiful to me. I told him, ‚I find you so beautiful.’ He immediately said the same to me and kissed me. (This is something I don’t really like; He always returns every ‚I miss you’, ‚I like you’ and ‚I’m thinking of you’ and most compliments. I am sure that he likes me by now, so I don’t really doubt him in that respect. But he never called me beautiful of his own accord, and so I couldn’t trust that he truly meant it.) Lying in bed with him once again struck me as something very strange and unfamiliar, and at the same time made me feel safe and happy. He was caressing my bare arms and shoulders, too. We turned half on our backs and held hands to sleep.
The alarm sounded much too soon the next morning. We both moved close and held and caressed each other for a minute, before my phone fell on the floor and effectively got me out of bed. We got ready and ate breakfast as usual. Tom told me there would be a lecture on Saturday at his department, in honour of a famous professor, and that he felt he had to go. He asked me if I wanted to come. I would also get to meet his friend, the one who both works and studies with Tom and who has a son and husband. I felt a little nervous thinking about it, but at the same time wanted to come. After all, I would see Tom, see his department and meet one of his friends, which is something I have wanted for some time. He wasn’t sure if he would come, however, because he had to work that night and it depended on when he could leave and how long he could sleep. We agreed to decide the next morning and walked down together, and kissed goodbye and waved. I missed him as soon as he was out of sight.
I felt tired and heavy and had that same weird headache on Friday that I’d had all week. Nevertheless, I was determined to use my evening and push myself during ballet class and the weight training class. When they started doing chassé en tournant in class, I left and went to eat something and then went to an empty studio to practice some other things I need to work on that I can actually do. I’m afraid of chassé en tournant because it feels unsafe. Then I stretched and got ready for the class. It was hard, but the music and the other people beside me helped me to push myself. Afterwards, I went and stretched some more, since I didn’t have to hurry to my parents this week. Then I went home and showered and made a small pizza and a big salad. I had been worried about feeling still hungry and being in danger of binge eating afterwards, but it was ok. I went to bed early, but couldn’t sleep long.
Since I wanted to prepare for maybe meeting Tom, I had to get up early on Saturday to start the washing, get ready and go shopping, all before ballet class. Class was really hard. My whole body hurt and felt very stiff, and still weak from the night before. I had to give up jumping in the end. Tom hadn’t written to me by the end, so I knew he was still asleep and we wouldn’t meet. I was disappointed, to be honest, and a part of me was a little angry at him for choosing sleep over me. But if he had forced himself and then suffered all day, I would have felt guilty. He told me from the start that he maybe wouldn’t come, he was honest. And I had not told him how much I was looking forward to it. That thought only came later. At the time he suggested it, I was too surprised and may have seemed cool. The good thing was that I didn’t have to hurry now, so I cooked a nice lunch and then sat down with a cup of coffee. My body was tired and in pain, but the rest of me wanted to go out, to be among people and feel some energy, so I went to AS. I had missed the crowd, the heat, the loud music and energy. My legs didn’t want to work and I lowered the resistance on the cross trainer, but it was good for my soul. I stretched again after the workout, but everything was stiff. On the way home, I ate that brownie I had bought on Wednesday and had worried about not being able to resist. It was delicious and the fact that I ate it when planned, within my calorie limit, made the enjoyment even greater. This was another small success. Maybe I really am getting the hang of this.
I wore my favourite blouse and new black pinafore dress (which I had planned to wear for the lecture with Tom) to go to my parents. Dinah was out for once, so I could spend a lot of time with Tippy. I have missed him, and I still love him, but because he is Dinah’s dog, I try to love him less to be independent. It certainly got better since Gina is more cuddly, and since I have Tom in my life. I talked to Mother and Sissy for some time. Then my parents took me out to the Italian restaurant near my flat, the one Tom and I went to on his birthday (and on our second date). We used to eat there all the time when I couldn’t go home, so the staff greeted us warmly. It was a nice evening and I thoroughly enjoyed the pizza, but I grew extremely sleepy towards the end.
I slept for ages. There was a class with CBT, but I had decided not to go. It was better to rest and sleep and to save the money. After a late breakfast and lazy coffee, I spent lots of time trying a new recipe for my lunches this week. At first I had planned to go running, just down to the lake to get into it again. But it was cold and stormy and rainy, and I was very sore still, so I decided to go to AS instead, use the cross trainer again and stretch thoroughly. It was good to get out of the house and be among people, even though nobody spoke to me. I know a lot of the regulars by sight now. It struck me that I feel very much at home in my corner of AS where I always train. This time, I had more energy and truly enjoyed moving with the music, feeling that passion again. I caught myself smiling and the girl next to me gave me a curious look. Is it such a strange concept to be happy during a workout? After another long stretch and a thorough shower, I made a delicious dinner and put away the washing and made everything ready for the week. The weekend has passed very quickly, but once again without overeating or feeling deprived. And Mondays are no longer scary, especially since I will see Tom again. I often thought of him during the weekend, and always with great appreciation. It is so wonderful to have him in my life, even on days we don’t see each other and our sleeping hours are the exact opposite. Just knowing that he exists somewhere, that he cares for me, makes all the difference.