We went to Pyne again last weekend. I don’t know… The last few years, I have always struggled in Pyne. With food, with my body, with myself. Being out of my usual life, being with my family or our friends, is stressful. And I always expect myself to be happy there, to be very alert and open to the beauty of it, all the memories from all the years before. Yes, I just have unrealistic expectations and put a lot of pressure on myself. It wasn’t any different this year, even though it was only my parents and me. This took some of the pressure of looking good, behaving well, ‘presenting’ myself away. I still struggled with eating too much and then hating myself. I still felt as if the time simultaneously went by much too fast and yet took forever. And I missed Tom terribly, after having seen him every day for two weeks, slept next to him every night. He could have come with me, but had to work. I imagined showing him all the beautiful places, kissing him under the stars, sharing the huge bed with him. It would have been boring or stressful for him, though, to be with my parents and without work for so long. Maybe, if we last, he can come next year. I did some things I had planned, though: I went for runs along the brook, on that lovely, beautiful path where I first started running and fell in love with it. Mother and I took a long walk and talked confidentially, and I told her about Tom, a lot. And I consciously looked at the mountains, the meadows, the flowers and butterflies. I saw the stars and went out into the garden and looked at them and took in their beauty, even though I was cold and tired and felt guilty and ‘impure’ for having gained weight. I must get away from those silly concepts.
On Monday, after coming home from Pyne, after unpacking and showering, Tom finally came and we kissed and had dinner toghether etc. Then we cuddled on the bed, and Tom kissed me, and after some time with passion, and said he had missed my lips.
On Tuesday, I felt depressed and tense because of a full day of work ahead of me. I missed Pyne and regretted not having been more conscious and present, more grateful, while there. At work, my day turned out much worse than expected and I got home late, missing ballet class. I was exhausted and ended up eating too much and then crawled into bed and felt bad. Tom came home very late, having worked hard. Before he came, I had thought negative thoughts about him. It was my own bad mood and my guilt for eating, and my idea that he could not possibly love me if he knew how disgusting I was, so I had to hide it from him. These thoughts made me resent him in a sulky way and feel ‘trapped’ by the idea of his presence. But when he was late, I got worried that something might have happened to him and suddenly realised how wonderful he is and how grateful and happy I am for his presence in my life. This cured me instantly and I greeted him with no bitterness left in my heart. We talked a little and soon fell asleep.
Wednesday, after another exhausting day at work, when I had missed ballet class, come home, binged, showered and felt ready for bed, Tom came home just as I was brushing my teeth. He was hot and out of breath. We sat in the kitchen and he ate cake and we talked a bit and he showed me videos from the casino. The videos were not very interesting, but I watched him watching enthusiastically and was struck for a moment by my love for him. Then we got up and he talked about taking a shower and getting ready for bed. In the hall, he embraced me and kissed me, and then gently moved me against the wall beside the bathroom door. I love being pushed against the wall, and feeling his passion. We were opposite the small mirror and I could see myself and his back, as he was kissing me. It seemed strange but wonderful to see myself in that position, a position I had often wished to be in and now it was true. And he again said that he loved me, in that intense-sounding half-whisper, and I said me too and felt overwhelmed for a minute, holding him very close and breathing fast. I find it so touching to witness his passion. I feel honoured by his trust.
Later in bed, we talked about, among other things, Avril Lavigne (he used to like her, thinks like me that she has a lovely mouth, and likes that she is small and liked her music). We also talked about how he sees me as small and girlish, while I see myself in a different light, and he said I wasn’t fat and he had just tonight thought that. We talked about women crushes and Kate Winslet (whom I find beautiful and he does, too, and he thinks I resemble her) and her song, and he said he used to listen to it a lot when he was sad. My heart broke for him when he told me that he used to feel sad, and I held him close and kissed his face and told him I hoped I would never make him sad, and he said no, I was making him happy, and kissed me. Still, I said, there was a risk of hurting each other. And I thought that I never want to break his heart. We also talked about accepting sadness, allowing it, and growing from it instead of being afraid of it and trying to escape by other means. He said Aristotle was saying the same, calling it catharsis, cleansing. He wanted to hold me in his arms to fall asleep, so my head was on his shoulder and chest. I wanted to sleep but also wanted to keep caressing him and talking. I wrote ‘love you’ on his chest with my finger and it tickled him, and then I told him I had written on him, and he asked what, and I said, ‘I love you’, and he seemed touched and I think laughed a little and then said, ‘I love you, too’.
It is Sunday night and I managed not to binge, although I did eat a lot. Still, I am proud of myself and faintly optimistic. It was a good weekend, warm and sunny, and I was mostly happy and busy. Ballet, cooking, housework and some time to relax, as well as a visit to my family and a long run in the woods. Let me just write down what happened on Thursday.
I went to AS after work and did some HIIT and felt my old passion, and even found some love for my body and appreciation of what it can do. Tom had gone home early and we met at the cafeteria. He surprised me by walking towards me and I didn’t see him until he was right there. He’s really inconspicuous, being thin, rather short, with dark clothes, almost no hair, slouching a little. Thank goodness we met online, as I would not have looked at him twice on the street and would have missed a wonderful experience. Anyway, we had dinner and walked home, during which I told him about seeing myself from outside and judging myself, especially in intimate situations, and he tried to reassure me. I also talked about self-compassion etc. At home, we ate a bit of cake. Then I took a shower and put on my new red night dress which Tom had wanted to see. The red seems almost a little indecent to me, but Tom liked it, even though I felt fat and self-conscious and was awkward showing myself to him. I cuddled into bed with Tom and we talked a little, about breasts, as far as I recall. He said he didn’t notice them much and his colleagues sometimes made fun of the fact, pointing out well-endowed clients with low necklines to him. He said he liked this better, touching the curve of my hip. I wasn’t sure what exactly he meant, the waist, the hip, the bottom, or the curve of it. I asked him a little teasingly about it and he said he liked if there was something, I think he said, to hold. Well, I do have a large lower half and hate it, but if he likes it or doesn’t mind, all the better. Tom went to take a shower and then we were cuddling, caressing each other’s skin, and exchanging kisses now and then, until we finally just held each other and went to sleep.