Bad Week

Thursday: I had a kind of breakdown yesterday. Is it a breakdown if you start to cry and then tell somebody all your woes? Well, that happened with Tom. I must say that I have been in one of my depressed, weak and overeating moods all week. I succumbed to some of the things I used to do in those times and managed to avoid others. It seems like a partial progress because I understand my feelings and reactions better, but didn’t manage them as well as I should.

Last night, Tom was working in the kitchen, and I had come home early from work. I first ate too much chocolate in secret and then took a long shower and cared for my skin. Then we had dinner together and lay down on the bed. After some time, we kissed with some passion and I tentatively tried to find out if he was in the mood. He gave a few signs, but nothing really explicit, and after some time, we stopped and I lay next to him. I had been excited, but not very much. He said sorry, it was difficult just now and too hot, and I said it was ok. I lay there feeling foolish for a few seconds, fat and unattractive, repulsive even. Then my depressed feeling, which had been kept at bay all evening, returned in full force and I felt the tears sting my eyes and sobs wanting to be sobbed, but held back. A part of me wanted the tears to flow, however, and wanted Tom to see them and to comfort me, to assure me that I was not repulsive, but lovable and valuable. He asked me several times if it was ok, and it really was, the problem was me, so I nodded. I couldn’t speak and Tom noticed that something was wrong, and after some time, I tried to tell him the whole muddle. He was very sweet and understanding. I felt like a pathetic, messed-up and very unattractive heap of emotions. Tom said that it really wasn’t because of me or my body that he wasn’t in the mood for passion, and that he loved me. I couldn’t say it back just then, however, and just said he was a darling and hugged him. Just then, I felt with despair that I did not love Tom, maybe never had loved him. I had loved feeling loved, feeling desired, feeling seen and appreciated, had loved being able to give and receive tenderness, experiencing some of the exciting and sweet things I had dreamed about, like kissing and cuddling and saying sentimental things. But now, it wasn’t enough anymore. And if Tom finally got over his nervousness and we did make love and experience that connection, that would soon be nothing new and wonderful, and not enough either. Friendship wasn’t enough. Nothing was enough. It was a horrible feeling.

Sunday: We talked for a long time that night, and Tom was really sweet, saying he wanted to help me and wanted me to be happy. I apologised for being a drama queen and regretted showing weakness and possibly making him feel guilty. I told him that I was in an exceptional mood, probably due to hormones, and that it would pass. He has seen it a few times by now. He in turn told me that men have hormone fluctuations as well and that he was feeling a little low, too.

That horrible despair didn’t last long, even though doubts remained as to WHAT I want. The problem is that in my depressed mood, everything seems bland and not enough to live for or look forward to. I think I do love Tom after all and still want to be his girlfriend rather than be single. Another man won’t be better at all, just different.

Last Monday, we also took out our rings. I was disappointed with the engraving in mine, as there was a huge space between the T and the om, and the m looked like an n, so it almost read T on. Tom’s engraving was perfect. Ok, so far. Then we both tried our rings on and both almost simultaneously noticed that the rings were too big! How annoying, especially after all the trouble we had taken, making cardboard rings in the exact same sizes and widths to try. But where the cardboard rings had been perfect, the real rings have a convex inside and less friction, so they fell off our fingers. Luckily, we can send them back and have them altered, but it will take ages, maybe longer than my birthday.

It was also on Monday that we watched another episode of that love documentary. It addressed some things I was glad about that I hadn’t been brave enough to talk about with Tom, but watching the film together made it a topic between us. Things like having no pressure, taking time etc. After that, we kissed and cuddled a bit and then went to bed.

About annalienor

Lover of beauty, adult ballet student, deliberate creator wannabe.
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