Monday: Yesterday was the first of hopefully many Sunday evenings where Tom did not have to work anymore and could visit me. I had hoped he would come in the afternoon and even felt a little hurt when he said he would come at seven. But no, I need time to do all my usual weekend housework and also some time for myself to relax, and he needs the same. I made dinner for us and we watched some football. Tom told me that the Imp (as he calls her), the woman he once was attracted to, who does pole dance and has red hair and tattoos and is very pretty, wanted to have dinner with him. He said he would drive to A, another town, to meet her next Wednesday. I’m glad he told me openly. I am not really jealous of her, but maybe a little insecure? And why does he travel so far for that? A few months ago, he said he would only meet her here in the city… No, don’t be silly. He told me she is only ever complaining to him, and he doesn’t think they would be a good match.
Our rings still haven’t come and I am afraid they won’t arrive in time for my birthday. I asked Tom if he was okay with wearing our partner rings when we visit his family in July (they might ask if we are engaged or married, and it might be awkward in many ways). He said that he was, and that he was even looking forward to it. He added that he could also announce our relationship on Facebook. Stunned, I asked him, ‘Really? We’re not even friends on Facebook, but you would do that?’ (I have wanted to be his Facebook friend for ages, but at Christmas he hadn’t wanted it and I had never dared ask again, but always felt confused about it.) He said that it would mean his two old (female) friends from school would ‘stalk’ me, because they are curious. I wouldn’t mind that much. Since I only have about four friends on Facebook and never post anything, it wouldn’t mean half as much for me as for him. He doesn’t post, either, but has more friends.
We haven’t talked about Facebook again, but Tom hasn’t done anything. Should I ask to be friends? Does he want me to be brave and show some commitment? Or does he still not want to be friends for whatever strange reason?
I don’t know, but I seem to have reached a new state of being in this relationship. Everybody says (and every article or book, too) that the first stage of being in love only lasts a few months. We’ve reached seven months now, and I have noticed some changes. There is a certain routine in the way we interact, all the way from saying hello to what we say in our text messages. There are more things about him that annoy me. I find myself ‘forgetting’ Tom, and then suddenly realising that I have a boyfriend. I still think of him often and want to talk about him, and if he couldn’t be with me for some reason, I would miss him. But I also really enjoyed going back to ballet class on Monday, meeting all the old people, talking to Tina, listening to my old music. Reliving my former life before Tom and love came into it. There is a refreshing sense of ‘coming home’ to it. I have also realised that I still have a LOT of work to do on myself, and that Tom hasn’t cured me of any of my old negative beliefs or habits. Tom is just a sort of quick fix. I still have to work on my perfectionism, body image, eating disorder and general screwed-upness. Just last night, I noticed myself comparing myself to Tom and finding shortcomings and resenting him for it. I don’t have to work as much as he does, or be as skinny, or as balanced. Not everything he does is automatically better. Not everything I am is worse. Oh yes, lots of work.
Also, kissing etc. I haven’t felt that electricity or energy for some time. Cuddling and hugging is lovely, and sleeping close together, and touching skin to skin, but they are all ‘human comfort’ things I could imagine doing with a very good friend, not ‘lover’ things. We kissed passionately last night, and I felt no excitement. There is no rush of emotion when he says ‘I love you’ any more. There are little worries, little annoyances, little doubts. Maybe that’s completely normal. Maybe it’s just my mood right now. But I’m still afraid of falling out of love, or realising I have never been in love, and having to break both our hearts. Because the one thing that seems certain is that Tom loves me and wants to stay with me. He has been talking about summer holidays NEXT YEAR. Tom has come very much into my life, is practically living with me during the week, has seen me in some of my worst and most vulnerable states, depressed, emotional, naked or in great pain (when I had two simultaneous thigh cramps last week, OUCH), and I feel as if he has remained much more protected or ‘closed’. I’ve never seen him cry or talk about great weaknesses or get really angry (okay, that’s mutual) or seen his flat, and the worst he has been was when he had a cold or was tired. A part of that is certainly that he is a more stable, well-adjusted person than I am, but it still sometimes feels unjust. Oh, I don’t know! There is nothing to compare, everything is a first, and it’s unsettling.