The Last Two Weeks

On Monday the 8th, I was back at work and noticed how much of the stress I feel there is in my own head. I have to find a way to deal with this, to reduce it, in a healthy and effective way. So much of my energy is wasted in being anxious and worried about work, other people, their opinions of me etc. I will never be perfect, and I don’t have to be! It is OK, eveything will turn out well. Worrying doesn’t truly make me ‘safe’, it just seems that way. If I can manage to let go of the constant stress and strain, I will no longer need overeating as a safety valve to reduce the pressure. This is really important, and I am only noticing it now, after all those years. Everything is changing right now and I feel unsafe, so I have noticed a tendency to return to old familiar thoughts and behaviour, like trying to control all my food and lose weight, exercising, planning the whole week, etc. NO, I must not get lost in that again. It leads nowhere in the end. I want to go on, to ‘advance, and never halt’, so I must choose a different road.

On Tuesday, I was very glad that ballet class was cancelled. I was in pain from work, and practiced at my barre for a bit to loosen up and move a little. Tom came home earlier than expected and watched a little. I felt a bit silly, only wearing my underclothes and tights, but didn’t look too bad. After dinner, we lay on the bed and cuddled and kissed and talked. I showed Tom our first message we had exchanged on that dating platform, almost exactly a year ago. I also showed him the list I had made then about the characteristics I wanted in a partner. Nice, preferably long hair. Tall. Prestigious career. Active. Nope, nope, nope. But the essence is there: a sharp mind and a kind heart, integrity, character, nice voice.  We laughed a lot. Tom’s criteria (though he didn’t write them down) were: intelligent, preferably an academic, agreeable voice and dialect, shorter than himself. I’m sure he had more, but maybe didn’t want to tell me. I am sure (no, I just can’t imagine anything else) that Tom wanted a thinner woman than myself. He says he doesn’t mind and doesn’t think I’m fat, but I AM. I am large and there is too much fat on me, and my BMI is close to obese. We slept peacefully, holding hands.

Wednesday, I went home and showered and lay down for a while. I didn’t get up immediately when Tom came home, and it confused him. We ate pizza and played with Gina for a long time, and when we yawned and asked each other if we were tired, we both said not really. It felt as if we both were tiptoeing around each other, trying to find out what the other wanted. Tom saw me get into bed and sat next to me and cuddled a bit, then went to shower. When he came back, I took off my dressing gown and we began very slowly to cuddle a bit, talk, kiss. Tom was touching my neck and upper chest and back with feathery touches, sending shivers down my back, and when I tried the same he said it didn’t work, and that it apparently was normal for men.

Then we talked about some things. I asked him, ‘Tell me about your previous girlfriend’. But Tom said he would rather not, if it was ok for me, because he had sworn to himself he would never do that. I of course respect that, even though I am very curious. I did find out some things, though, namely that there were ‘one and a half’ girlfriends, or Tom said he wasn’t sure they could be called relationships. He said again that when you’re young, it was very different, much more phyiscal. ‘Didn’t you talk to each other?’, I asked. They had talked, but nothign deep, and Tom knew he wouldn’t stay in L anyway. Also he said that he didn’t like talking about his pre-adult-school time. He had been uneducated then, dissatisfied, and had not known what he wanted. After a silence, he said that I was his first real relationship, with rings and everything, and that it felt very different from how it had felt with his other girls. I was flattered at that, I must say, and it’s easier in a way if we are both new to this and he doesn’t have many issues from the past. On the other hand, a separation would be all the more devastating for him, too, because he told me once that he had never really experienced heartbreak. But I’m not thinking about this anymore at the moment, on the contrary, I am vey much in love with Tom. Being so close to him has made me trust him more. I may think I’m fat and flabby and repulsive, but he kissed me and told me he loves me. A year ago today (11th August), we exchanged our first messages on the dating platform.

Maybe it was that next Sunday night that I asked him if he didn’t mind my flabbiness, and he said no, and that he didnt think I was that flabby. Or it was the next night?

On Thursday 18th, my weight was down and I felt ok, but struggled with cravings and almost planned a binge in M. But I managed to eat healthy and normally that day, apart from a handful of chips and cereal in a tiny five-minute moment of weakness. Still, I stopped, didn’t hate myself, and then had normal dinner and dessert with Tom.

This Friday, June came for a visit and I ate a little more, and we had a very good talk about ballet. I had not done any ballet all week, using the summer break as an excuse, because the thought of fighting myself for 90 minutes was exhausting. After an open class at AS on Friday, I went to Belinda’s class on Saturday as usual. There are mostly old women and she gives very musical combinations and a thorough barre that works every muscle. I feel safe there most of the time. This time, I forced myself to focus on the  positive feelings, music, the sensation of moving in a special way. I didn’t look at the size of my hips or lack of turnout, but the pretty line my arms made and the music carrying me, and there was a moment where I almost got tears in my eyes. This is why I love ballet, after all. Of course, still working hard, noticing mistakes and trying to improve , but not thinking negatively about my size and shape and things I can’t change right now. I have noticed that there has been a gradual shift from joy and ambition to comparing myself with professionals, both body and dancing, and hating myself for any shortcomings. No. There is a reason those people are professionals. They have the body (I certainly don’t), they have talent (some say I have a little) and have worked extremely hard to learn the technique (which I am not ready or able to do in the same way). Yes, that’s the ideal, but if I keep comparing, I am killing my joy. I was very close to quitting ballet on and off since February, mostly for this reason. Now either I find my joy again (it’s why I started after all) or I quit and lose all my skill. I don’t want to stop, there are still moments of joy and ballet is still a part of me.

Maybe I will never be so single-mindely focused on ballet again, but that’s ok. That is healthy and  balanced, that is life. Just like weight loss: it isn’t the most important part of my life. I have a boyfriend now, I have other interests. The way I used to live, training so intensively, had sometimes seemed abnormal to me, but I had enjoyed it. But now, I notice that I like to rest some nights, talk to Tom, maybe go for a walk to the church terrace with him like last night, feeling the golden sunlight and the wind in my hair, kissing him under the blue sky. I ate a little more than I burned during the weekend, not counting strictly, listening to my body. My weight still dropped and it helped me to feel ok with myself. If I stay like this, around 79 kg, I could accept it. I still want to be a few kilos lighter, but am giving up my goal weight of 150lb. for now. 170 would be great, 160 would be perfect. But most importantly, I want to be able to eat normally, without binges and constant ups and downs.

There is more to life than ballet and being thin. Hey, that’s refreshing to say! I have grown, changed and developed. Some things and ideas help for a time, but when they no longer do, it’s OKAY to let them go. That is life, too: constant change.

About annalienor

Lover of beauty, adult ballet student, deliberate creator wannabe.
This entry was posted in Ballet, Friends, Health, Love, Milestone, Moment. Bookmark the permalink.

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