Uneventful Week

Autumn is here, with misty, cold mornings and fading leaves and shorter days. I am reminded of last year, the race in U, the first dates by the lake with different men. Tom and I met first on 17th September last year. We drank some wine to celebrate it last Sunday, but it wasn’t very good wine. Anyway, Tom was a little cuddly and kissed me hard and drew me onto him. Then he watched American Football again and I went to sleep. How romantic. But if he enjoys Football and allows himself to take the time to do something other than work, I don’t want to keep him from that. After all, I go to ballet class and read on the internet and listen to audiobooks. Tom forgot his ring at home again. He apologised, but I don’t want him to feel as if he needs to wear it. Yet I love seeing him wear it…

All week, we only cuddled and kissed chastely. There were doubts again, thoughts of, ‘I’m too wanton’ or ‘he’s not passionate enough’. I saw him from afar again and he looked very skinny and his head looked weirdly big and bald, and I doubted my attraction to him. The cafeteria is open again, so we had dinner there last night. Tom kissed me a little harder when we came home, though, which made a wave of excitement and hope sweep through me. Maybe… We did end up kissing passionately. We got up together this morning, which was nice, and I don’t feel so hopeless and lonely as on other Fridays. After all, separation makes seeing him again all the sweeter. I don’t want to get too used to Tom and don’t want him to feel the same.

He wrote to me just now, saying that one of his two best friends from adult school has been left by her boyfriend and he and his other best friend were seeing about helping her now. My heart ached for her! It must be so, so horrible to be left. And because this friend is overweight, I identified with her immediately. When Tom comes on Sunday (if he doesn’t have to go to his friend), I want to talk to him about breaking up. If we break up one day (it’s a very real possibility just from the statistics), I want it to be slowly. I don’t want Tom to fall out of love with me and still pretend everything is ok, only to drop me out of the blue. I want us to be open about things that are hard between us, I want to know where I am with him. I know, I often think about breaking up and never tell Tom about it, because it’s usually small things, like his way of wasting food or his appearance, or it is the big thing of his lack of time and energy and passion for me. The small things are not worth worrying him about, and the big thing would make him feel guilty and would be a way of trying to change him. I suppose, from what I know about Tom, that he would try to give me what I want, putting even more pressure on himself, being unhappy and ultimately coming to resent me and leave me anyway. Having written this out, I realise I need to be more open and real and tell him what I want more. So what if I think it makes me seem wanton and demanding. I want more passion, more fun, more energy. I want him to touch me in ways that make me feel desired. I want him to tease me a little sometimes. I want him to open up more about himself, his wishes. Now, I’m always watching him, guessing, asking to confirm. This needs more thought…

About annalienor

Lover of beauty, adult ballet student, deliberate creator wannabe.
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