Doubts

Monday, 26th September

Another week begun. Everything is fine, really. The weekend was good. Lovely weather. I lost some weight, I spent an evening with June and one with Father, both in my kitchen, I ran 3km and ate too many cookies and put on my pointe shoes after weeks and stretched a little and allowed myself to relax, too. While Tom was away, I didn’t miss him much. But I thought about him.

When he came last night, I was in the kitchen ironing his shirts (which I had originally said I would never do, but have started doing to have more time with him…). I had played with the idea of really looking at him when he came, not kissing him immediately. Resetting what we are, in a way. But somehow, we kissed immediately and I hugged him tight, and then we kissed again several times. Tom took off his things and put his food away while I started making dinner and kept ironing, and we talked about Tom’s friend who just got left by her boyfriend. Tom kept hugging me again and again while he talked, hardly letting me finish my work. It made me feel loved and important. I told him how horrible it seemed to me, being left like that out of the blue. Before I had a boyfriend, heartbreak and breakups seemed sad and I tried to imagine how it must feel, but now it’s much more real and scary. A documentary I saw recently showed that a breakup is just like a death, the reaction of grief is the same. I told him then and there that I wanted him to tell me if things were not good, not keep silent only to break up suddenly. He said no, of course not, and said that he was still in love with me.

I am not worried that he might be deceiving me or not love me anymore. It’s rather the opposite, as I notice that I want more from him and often worry if this is all there is, if this is my great love. I do love him, though… And I don’t want to hurt him. But a thing that my father said when he was here had really struck me: he said that when you meet your true love, you just know it. So if I doubt… it’s not true love?

Anyway, we ate dinner. Tom ate a lot and we also drank a little wine and afterwards Tom said he was suddenly very tired. I was understanding on the outside, but disappointed inside. Now he would propbably doze on the bed until his American football game began, and then I would have to sleep. No passion, again. We lay down on the bed and cuddled for two hours, talking, briefly kissing. Don’t get me wrong, it was lovely. I felt warm and safe and loved and so close to Tom, and I remembered how I had longed for this kind of closeness and affection for years. I must not be ungrateful. It’s wonderful that my boyfriend likes cuddling. It’s just that cuddling is pretty much all we ever do, and I want more. Not all the time, not very much, but I’m finally ready and at peace with the idea of making love, so I want to experience it. I was even brave enough to ask Tom if he was ‘cuddly’, which is our code word for ‘in the mood for passion’, but he said sorry, not very much, and that he found cuddling lovely just now. I respected that, and even though I had been hopeful for more, I was content to stay as we were.

Then Tom went to shower and started watching his game. Suddenly, he wasn’t tired or passive anymore, urging the players on, cheering loudly and kissing me whenever they scored. That is what I want! That energy, that enthusiasm is what I miss. And it’s there in him, just not directed at me. This made me sad, but I tried to be glad for what I had and I looked at the game with one eye and soon fell asleep. This is the third week we have done it like this, and I didn’t sleep well each time. The hours he watches the game, I am tense because he can see and hear me being potentially unattractive in my sleep. In the mornings, he likes to sleep longer but always apologises and thanks me profusely for letting him sleep. This makes me feel as if I expected him to get up with me, which I never did, and I tell him it’s ok, but still feel bad… I feel guilty if I drag him out of bed so early and don’t mind spending the morning alone very much.

About annalienor

Lover of beauty, adult ballet student, deliberate creator wannabe.
This entry was posted in Family, Friends, Health, Love. Bookmark the permalink.

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