Now it’s the end of the week. Tom is gone for three days. This week has been good, despite a day spent working in MD. They asked me to go on tuesday afternoon, for the next day, after a few physically demanding hours. I had been looking forward to an evening with Tom and an easy day the following day, but instead found myself overwhelmed by sudden tension. The first thought was disbelief, quickly followed by acceptance, followed by thoughts of overeating as soon as I got home. Then I noticed that I didn’t truly feel hungry or like eating too much, I rather felt like lying down, rolling and stretching out my body, and crying. I listened to Enya on the way home, very loud, and felt my anxiety soften and emotions well up. At home, I lay down and stretched a bit and cried a little, and even though I was sad and still worried about the next day, there was a peace and feeling of cleanliness that overeating never gave me. Tom would come soon and I wanted to enjoy our evening, not worry, so I stopped it and took a shower.
And I was proud of myself: even in a state of great stress and anxiety, I did not really feel the urge to overeat, and did not do it. The thought was there, because that is an ingrained pattern and will come up for some time still, but the fact that it wasn’t even hard not to overeat made me so happy. It means that I really have made huge progress! I am still not trusting the peace and sometimes fear relapsing into old ways, but for the moment, I feel really free from binge eating. Not only that, but my hunger signals also feel much less extreme. There are days when I eat an amount that would previously have made me feel deprived, just because I’m not really hungry. And there are days when I eat more than I think I need, but never so much as I used to. And my weight is always around 80 kg/175 lb. I still would like to be thinner, but have decided to wait until I am more stable.