A Big Thing

Last night, 4th October, was significant because I kind of told Tom what has been bothering me on and off for months, namely that I want more passion. But let me start from the beginning and tell all I remember.

We agreed to have dinner in the cafeteria and then go for a walk by the lake, go shopping and take the bus home. I had noticed that my mood was a little off, a little restless at work, some cravings, dissatisfaction with our relationship. Just when I had rejoyced that I had made it through a month without depression, this mood hit me on Monday. Anyway, Tom came running down the path in the evening sunshine to the cafeteria and it was touching that he ran. We ate dinner and then walked through the old town. Tom showed me a gallery with antique vases and was very taken with some star wars games in another shop window, as well as some cute household items. By the lake, it was cold and getting dark. There was a lovely new moon and we saw a baby swan and I went to the swings for a minute, looking up at the stars. Tom sat on the basket swing and I later joined him, lying down, and he turned me and the stars wheeled around. Then we went shopping and agreed on what to buy, and he payed for me. I offered to pay, and would have expected him to refuse, but he only did it vaguely, so now I felt guilty. I don’t think he realises how much money I spend on food when I cook for us.

Anyway, I had felt moments of love for Tom during our walk, and then moments of despair when I kept thinking about what I miss, and maybe falling out of love with him because of that. In those moments, I gripped his hand hard. But I didn’t have the courage or the right words to talk about it. At home, he went into the shower and I ate some sweets. I had cravings and was afraid I wanted to binge, but after some sweets, it was ok, and when I had figured out the calories, I noticed that it was just about 2000, so my body had been very right to want more food. Anyway, I showered and then climbed into bed. Tom had hot legs but mine were cool and we laughed about it. We cuddled and kissed a little and the light went out. I felt that I really loved Tom very, very much. But oh, there was this issue… We were both tired and I could have left it at that, but suddenly it came out.

I told him, ‘I care so much about you.’ Tom said the same and we held each other close, and then I said in a small voice, ‘But I sometimes wish there was more passion.’ (I’m not sure if I remember correctly what exactly we said when, just so it’s clear.) Tom said that he was sorry, but he couldn’t control that. I tried to tell him: I don’t want to put pressure on you. I don’t want you to feel stressed or guilty about this or force yourself to act just for me. But don’t hold back if you are in the mood. I want us both to be able to enjoy intimacy and passion. I don’t want to be demanding or difficult, but I have noticed that this keeps coming up and makes me feel sad, and if I don’t address my wishes, there is tension, at least inside myself if not between us. I apologised many times during out talk, telling him that I felt guilty for having needs (especially things like desire and hunger) and that admitting them was very hard for me, that I tend to suppress them until they torture me and just want to come out. Tom said that he also loved just cuddling with me and talking, and that he didn’t want to be passionate when I had to get up early the next day or there wasn’t much time, that he wanted to take enough time for it. He said he was glad that I had said something and we could talk about it. He also said that he was often tired (mentioning his changing work hours) and then just not in the mood, but that this didn’t mean he didn’t love me just the same, or didn’t think I was pretty or attractive. And he made it clear that he meant it if he said I looked pretty. Maybe he guessed that I feel rejected if he isn’t in the mood, he said something along this line, and I admitted that emotionally, it did feel like rejection, even though I rationally understand.

I also told him that I often doubt my attractiveness and compare myself to other women and feel worthless and ugly, but that this was ‘my problem’. He’s not responsible for making me feel beautiful and worthy and I told him that. But it helps to feel desired and it hurts to feel rejected. And yet I don’t want him to compliment me when he doesn’t truly mean it. I couldn’t keep from telling him, ‘I sometimes ask myself if it would make a difference if I looked different?’ And added the example of Harley Quinn from the latest film, whom I know he finds very pretty because he had her picture as a wallpaper on his screens. Tom said that this wasn’t the case at all, and that he really did find me pretty and attractive, that he thought I didn’t see myself as I truly am. This may be true, but that’s my problem, as I said.

In the beginning of our talk, a few tears escaped my eyes, but my voice was steady, if a little sqeaky and shy. After the first chunk was out, Tom asked me if I had cried a little (he must have felt the tears in the dark) and I admitted it, then stupidly really began to cry and couldn’t stop the tears for some time. My body just reacts with tears when I talk about things that touch me and are very important to me. It made me feel a little ashamed and weak, to cry at my age about such a ‘small’ thing. But Tom said it wasn’t. And thinking about it, it was a pretty big thing. This topic has been bothering me for weeks and I honestly feared it would be the end of our relationship one day, and now I had suddenly opened up to him and made myself vulnerable, as well as potentially hurt him. I’ve never done anything so ‘big’. God, I’m such a clueless baby when it Comes to relationships! So much to learn, to catch up. Tom and I agreed that it was complicated, but he seemed truly not hurt or anxious, but glad that I had told him.

Also, I said that if you once took a wrong turn, you might find yourself on a path that you don’t want to walk. He seemed alarmed at this (maybe thinking I meant the whole relationship was a wrong path?) and asked what I meant. I said that if we didnt’ talk about things and instead maybe assumed the other thought or wanted this or that, then we might react to that and move down a path of misunderstanding. He told me that he at least never assumed that I thought or wanted something. This was reassuring to hear. I do it all the time, which is bad enough, and I told him that and said that I notice it and try to stop.

We ended it by kissing many times and I told him I love him and he said he did, too, so much. We both fell asleep, an hour later than planned, but the fact that he slept was a good sign that he truly wasn’t upset by what I had said. Today, I feel a new hope and fresh love for Tom, who may not be the most carnal man, but is so loving and mature. I also feel quite silly and guilty for having kept him awake. But it was ok to tell him. We both have things to learn, but I especially. This relationship is teaching me so much and I keep growing.

 

About annalienor

Lover of beauty, adult ballet student, deliberate creator wannabe.
This entry was posted in Love, Milestone, Moment. Bookmark the permalink.

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