I feel very uncomfortable. First, let me say that I have a bad cold, so this may warp everything. Then there are several things that bother and worry me:
1. My body and eating: I binged moderately while I was ill, and feel unable to diet. I want to be thin to feel more worthy and less guilty and ugly, but not enough to do something about it. The balance I had seems gone. I fear gaining more weight if I eat intuitively, and fear going back into the eating disorder if I try to diet.
2: My body in other respects: I am frequently ill now, more than before. I often feel exhausted and want to sleep or lie down. Where is my boundless energy? What is wrong with me? Is it because I eat more, or less healthy? But I had months of bad eating before, without illness or fatigue. Is it my higher weight? Is it just my more negative attitude and thoughts? Or the close contact with Tom which exposes me to more viruses?
3. Tom: This week where I have a cold and we decided not to kiss, I find Tom a comforting companion and good friend. We cuddle, watch films together, eat together, talk. I like him and like being with him. But oh, I have always dreamed of love and passion, and our love was so simple and straightforward, there never was much passion. Even when we are both well again and will be passionate again, my body image will interfere. Even if we one day manage to relax enough to let go and make love passionately and satisfyingly, will love, will a relationship ever be like in my dreams? Or is love just the good, sweet, comfortable thing it is now? Are we in a rut?
4: My whole life, job, money, friends: I feel as if everything was not enough, I feel as if I should, should, should. What are my goals? Marriage? Tom won’t marry me. What advantage does marriage have anyway? Children? I sometimes think I might want or should yet have children… But Tom won’t, and they will bring too much stress and worry for me to handle… And too much expense. Another job? Who will pay for the training? Will I ever work as what I trained for? Do I even want to? How can I have friends? June is sweet, but too flighty and busy, or I just hold back and don’t want to burden her. Melanie is nice, but I’m jealous of her, and she has the same burdens as me, so can’t help. Plus, she has better friends. I just never learned how to keep friends. Tom and I both lead rather lonely lives and don’t have many friends, no circle of friends, no regular get-togethers like other, normal people… But then my parents didn’t really, either. So I’m just not used to it, is that it? It exhausts me, too.
5: My mood. Am I depressed? Is this just a lapse, a slump? What is important? Will I really be happy again if I lose weight, find friends, go out and do things? Or must I keep on, trying to accept all my feelings, be good to myself, forgive myself again and again for not being my ideal of a woman?
Yes, I’ve answered myself. I know my work lies here, in this unspectacular, tedious process. I must learn to love myself and to be there for myself, in sickness, in tiredness and sadness, in blah-ness, in fatness. Otherwise, I will keep chasing the ideal and keep crashing every time something comes up that keeps me from my ideal….