Emerging From A Slump

I feel better, but still a little under the weather. The weekend was cosy, especially Sunday. It was cold and rainy and dark. At first I felt a little disappointed when Tom wrote that he would not come until seven, but in the end it was good to have time for myself. I tried to rest regularly even if I couldn’t sleep, and took a refreshing short walk and a bath. My appetite has been low since Friday, so that I didn’t overeat and found some hope and trust for my body again, especially as my weight went down into the ‘ok range’ again. It has been a rough few weeks with depression, binges and a really bad cold, but it has made me stronger and taught me important things.

One of those things is the fact that Tom really cares for me. He was so supportive when I was feeling weak, unlovable and clingy. Last week we didn’t kiss because of my cold, and for some other reason anything passionate was out of the question. I had no desire anyway, and wore long pyjamas and only wanted to cuddle. We ate dinner and talked and then watched films or football in bed every night. It was cosy and comforting to be close to him, and it was relaxing to have no desire for passion and no wondering, hoping or feeling of ‘maybe’. It struck me that Tom and I are really good friends. Yes, we are lovers and I want there to be passion between us, but we can also be just companions. I feel even more comfortable with Tom and trust him even more now, trust the fact that he somehow really does love me, despite all my many flaws.

June came on Friday and we had a long talk over tea and biscuits. Somehow, comparing our experiences with men, I wish Tom were more like her date, more enthusiastic and energetic. Her date likes to cook and play sports and go to places. Tom is always working and in his limited spare time, watching football or playing games or being with me. But no, it would exhaust me to have a boyfriend who is constantly on the go. On the other hand, her date is also always ready for passion, always subtly urging her to do and try things when she isn’t interested. In my case, passion is rare and I would like more of it. The difference is that Tom and I practically live together while she sees her date every few weeks, so you can’t really compare…

It will soon be a year since our first kiss and we have been very tame. Yes, we both have our blocks and insecurities, but still, I feel abnormal. But then, having your first kiss at thirty is abnormal, too. But I no longer consider a separation from Tom. Everything else is so good, and passion isn’t bad, either. We will try and it will work out. I’m looking forward to the day when our colds are gone and we can kiss again. Tom also keeps saying he is looking forward to ‘cuddling’ again.

Anyway, I kind of told Mother on Saturday, averting my eyes and paraphrasing like mad, how tame things still are with us. She seemed surprised. I didn’t know if she felt uncomfortable hearing about this aspect of my private life. We never talked about sexuality much, I was always too embarrassed and she never pried, but she always used proper words and didn’t seem embarrassed herself. This time, too, she made suggestions.

Oh God, why did I tell her? I feel the need to talk about this with June, Mrs. H or Mother because it is something that bothers me and about which I want to have reassurance and advice. But in talking about it, I reveal private things about Tom and I don’t know if that is right. If Tom was in my place, would I want to meet his father and best male friend when they knew about intimate details? No, I would feel very embarrassed. But maybe just because they would be men… If it were his mother and female friend, it wouldn’t matter that much. Tom never asked me how much I tell whom, and he never asked me to keep silent. Still, am I betraying his trust? After all, he is opening up to me, being vulnerable and letting me see weaknesses. Just because he is a man doesn’t mean he won’t mind. Maybe he will mind more, because men are expected to be strong…

I sometimes wish he was more manly in the traditional sense, but then I’m so glad he is sensitive, reflective and open and doesn’t have unhealthy habits of coping (at least that I know of).

About annalienor

Lover of beauty, adult ballet student, deliberate creator wannabe.
This entry was posted in Family, Friends, Health, Love, Moment, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

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