Yesterday, I tried on some clothes in a changing room and got a good look at my figure. From the front and side, I don’t look very misproportioned. But there is a certain angle in which my hips and thighs look grotesquely large. After seeing that, my body image took a turn for the worse. It’s never good at this weight, but it’s often ok, livable. Now it wasn’t, and I felt as if I couldn’t live like this, couldn’t take myself seriously as a person as long as my body looked like that. So I decided to start losing weight again, just a few kilos.
I want to be thinner SO BADLY. Everything would be better if I only was a little thinner.
However, as soon as I began to make plans for a very reasonable calorie deficit, I noticed my head running away with me, along the old road. Wanting to be not just thinner but thin, very thin. Immediately dusting off and setting up my expectation of finally being ‘right’, pure, valuable, at a certain size. With that came a feeling of tension, deprivation and obsession. I didn’t only have to eat less but eat more ‘healthy’ food, meaning more restriction. I had to exercise more and change my body composition. There was also a simultaneous fear of and longing for binge eating. All my old patterns that DID NOT WORK (beyond a certain point).
My body obviously settles at this current weight if I eat more or less intuitively. If I try to diet, I binge and gain it back. Yes, I want to be thinner, but mostly I want to be HAPPY, to feel good about myself, to love myself, to have confidence to be who I want to be.
It is harmful to go back and try to lose weight right now. My work lies elsewhere! I must confront my darkness, not run away from it or distract myself, or it will always keep coming back and I will always live in fear of it. A part of me knows this, but the dreams of thinness keep coming back again and again, sometimes every few minutes. It’s exhausting. All I can do now is patiently remind myself every time what my priorities must be, as well as try to be kind to myself. It helps so much that Tom loves me and doesn’t mind my figure. It’s still hard to believe, but I can often feel it and must try to see myself through his eyes, with love. This is the only way I will ever find true happiness!
I still hope that once I grow and find it, I can lose more weight. But is that my ‘wrong’ ideal trying to creep in through the back door? Do I have to settle for staying at this weight for ever? But I was at a ‘set-point’ at 300 lb. and have reached a new one at 180. Maybe I could do the same at a lower weight? One day?