Exploring Sadness, With Results

Wednesday: I am feeling a little unmotivated, unconfident and restless. Also, I’m hungrier and fantasize about binge eating, but haven’t binged so far, although I have eaten more. Is it another ‘bad spell’ coming? I’m not sure…

Last night, Melina and I had dinner together. We haven’t seen each other for months. She is training every day now and has given up her job and is starting to teach ballet. She also looks even thinner, though not unhealthy. We talked mostly about ballet and a little bit about our lives, relationships, pets etc. But the ballet talk made me feel very bad, even though it wasn’t all bad. She also tried to encourage me, telling me my weight didn’t matter.

There was a phase when I was obsessed, trained every day and had the hope of getting really thin and really good. But I am not that driven, fanatical person anymore. There is more in my life than ballet. In a way, that is good. I think I’m in a healthier, more balanced place now. On the other hand, I’m not as good as I used to be, or certainly no better, and I am also learning that without daily, clean, hard training, I will never be even remotely good. Yes, yes, I know, perfection and professional standards must be put aside, but still…

Something is hurting me. I am trying to feel what it is, and a few hours ago i suddenly got tears in my eyes and felt as if Melina hat taken away my love of ballet. By talking as an expert, by living what a part of me wants to experience (professional training), she has unintentionally hurt me. She was talking about pulling up the upper body, using the head and neck, and I felt like screaming ‘this is mine!’ I used to feel such passion for ballet and for expressing music in this way, I used to feel beautiful and shining doing those movements, and now I just feel embarrassed, ugly, like a wanna-be. It feels as if I no longer had a right to feel at home in ballet because I am too fat and don’t train very much and have bad facility. How could I ever feel like a dancer at 300 lb??? What was it that I lost along the way? My innocent ignorance? My naive hope of someday getting somewhere?

Dear diary, I am SAD. And I don’t want to be sad. I am impatient for things to be over so that I can… what? Overeat? (And after that?) Or go to bed? (And then do what?) I want to escape feeling sad, and I can’t escape. Mrs H wants me to explore my darkness like a scientist, face it and find out what lies inside. But I desperately shrink from it, I feel that I CAN’T. My body isn’t hungry but my mind tries to escape the darkness by bringing up thoughts of food and binge eating. At least I am still conscious. At least I can recognise some of the unhealthy mechanisms.

I will go to ballet class tonight. Show UP. I will force myself to stand up tall and do my best and make no big deal out of anything. I have even packed my pointe shoes and a part of me wants to try again. …

***

Days later: I felt much better the next day. Ballet had been ok, but I hadn’t stayed for pointe. I’d wanted to get enough sleep and felt that just showing up for class and trying was enough. Also, I did not binge, because I wanted to feel good about myself and free from guilt for Tom’s birthday.

I went to Mrs. H in the morning and told her about the last few days, about trying to face and really see my sadness, and how it had suddenly gone away. She said that I was making great progress and that what I call ‘depression’ and long phases of feeling sad and empty did not have to be, that I was not powerless. If I run away and use unhealthy coping mechanisms, it will last much longer. But she was sure that the ‘depression’ was gone for now because I had faced it, not run away and hidden and cancelled class and binged.

Oh, if I could have some control, be free from the fear of those dark phases that seem to come over me and make me feel so bad, make me want to eat and eat and hide from the world in shame, then hate myself deeply and painfully have to get up on my feet again… That would be wonderful! Was that really it? Three days of feeling bad, without a crash? Could it be like this again next time? I feel very hopeful.

About annalienor

Lover of beauty, adult ballet student, deliberate creator wannabe.
This entry was posted in Ballet, Friends, Health, Milestone, Moment. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s