I’m worse again. Maybe it’s temporary, just PMS. Anyway, I binged/overate a few times last week, gained enough weight to really notice it (although I didn’t step on the scale, yay) and once more find myself grieving for my ‘thin’ body and thinking everything would be better if I lost 10 kg. Reason and experience tell me I’m wrong and to trust my body to go back into its range. But it’s a constant battle. I hate myself for eating/not exercising, but can’t bring myself to diet or work out. I feel depressed and very hopeless about my worth as a person, not just because of my weight, but my job, capabilities, age and screwed-upness.
This makes me want to binge and sleep (=comfort and numbness), alternating with wanting to go back to serious weight loss and exercise (=getting high). I am hanging in between, trying to hold on to reason and live a life of moderation, but it’s so hard. I get neither the ‘high’ from one coping mechanism nor the numbing effect from the other, I am just stuck here fighting my own head, seeing tempting visions of ‘peace’ that are always changing… I know that neither way leads to true peace.
I must remember that the strongest thing I can do is NOT losing weight again, but eating in moderation, listening to my body AND my emotions. Instead of following the exhausting back-and-forth, I must recognise unhelpful patterns and let them go, focus on what is truly important now. I must explore my feelings, not change or ignore them. Otherwise I will never make progress in my personal development.
Yes, I am behind my peers in some ways, and it is exactly this kind of detour (eating disorder, unhealthy coping mechanisms) that has led me here. In other ways, as June reminded me, I am way ahead of people my age who may have had more external life experiences, because of the insights I have gained through my struggles. Externally, they are more successful, have done, seen and experienced more and I often ‘compare and despair’. But my life will ultimately be just as worthwhile if I am successful in my growth. It’s not a race for status, money or admiration. And I know my goal in life, my true goal, is peace and real happiness. And I am nearer my goal than I have ever been.