Something is bothering me and I want to talk about it, but I hesitate to tell Tom. He might think me weak or pathetic or stop loving me. I can’t imagine being lovable anyway right now. I’m back in a depressive slump, sick with a bad cold, and fat.
The thing that is bothering me is this: I tried to lose weight moderately for the last few weeks, and while it worked a bit, it threw me back into my old mindset. I tried to stop and eat more once I noticed, but the thoughts remained. And lo and behold, I ended up bingeing and am now hating myself. All the old thoughts and visions of thinness came back, all the self-acceptance I had gained is lost again because there was the hope that I might change. And after the first week, the food thoughts and cravings returned and I involuntarily was waiting for the next binge. Being really ill and not able to exercise made me miserable and anxious and showed me that I had once more put my value in my activity and fitness.
This is not the way to go. I must continue the path of moderation and self-compassion and neither forbid myself food nor overeat. I must stop associating thin with good, or pure, or more lovable.
Tom is very skinny and it makes me so jealous sometimes. And I feel ashamed of eating, so I eat in secret and lie to him… Well, I don’t lie to him, I just don’t tell him that I binged, or hide the traces. And I don’t tell him why I feel bad when I feel bad because I overate.
I have been here before. I have written almost the same things in one of the last posts. It feels as I was getting nowhere because I keep taking the wrong path.