Stop Taking The Same Wrong Turn

Something is bothering me and I want to talk about it, but I hesitate to tell Tom. He might think me weak or pathetic or stop loving me. I can’t imagine being lovable anyway right now. I’m back in a depressive slump, sick with a bad cold, and fat.

The thing that is bothering me is this: I tried to lose weight moderately for the last few weeks, and while it worked a bit, it threw me back into my old mindset. I tried to stop and eat more once I noticed, but the thoughts remained. And lo and behold, I ended up bingeing and am now hating myself. All the old thoughts and visions of thinness came back, all the self-acceptance I had gained is lost again because there was the hope that I might change. And after the first week, the food thoughts and cravings returned and I involuntarily was waiting for the next binge. Being really ill and not able to exercise made me miserable and anxious and showed me that I had once more put my value in my activity and fitness.

This is not the way to go. I must continue the path of moderation and self-compassion and neither forbid myself food nor overeat. I must stop associating thin with good, or pure, or more lovable.

Tom is very skinny and it makes me so jealous sometimes. And I feel ashamed of eating, so I eat in secret and lie to him… Well, I don’t lie to him, I just don’t tell him that I binged, or hide the traces. And I don’t tell him why I feel bad when I feel bad because I overate.

I have been here before. I have written almost the same things in one of the last posts. It feels as I was getting nowhere because I keep taking the wrong path.

About annalienor

Lover of beauty, adult ballet student, deliberate creator wannabe.
This entry was posted in Health, Love. Bookmark the permalink.

1 Response to Stop Taking The Same Wrong Turn

  1. Jonnell says:

    You are fantastic and your lowest lows make your peaks that much higher. And they make everything seem so much more real. You could have fell off plenty of times and maybe in the future you’ll binge again, but in spite of all that look what you’ve achieved. I hope you are happy, not because happiness is something you should have to earn. But because you’ve earned it, nonetheless. 🙂

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