Update, News, Whatever…

In the last few months, I haven’t felt a true wish or need to write anymore. The main reason seems to be that I think nothing is important enough to write about, especially on a public blog or diary. Maybe I will stop writing here and do it privately. Somehow, I no longer feel the need to ‘share’ my thoughts and actions. It was never a wish for an audience or being popular and getting attention, but there used to be a wish to share parts of myself with ‘the world’, to not hide anymore. Although the attention I received was mostly welcome at the time, I must say. It’s nice to feel seen and heard, to know other people can relate to you. But now, I somehow feel that I am nothing special and have nothing to share. My thoughts, moods, actions are always repeating themselves. There isn’t much to tell and I no longer feel that I need to document my life thoroughly. Nevertheless, here I am, writing again…

I am doing much better regarding food, body and self-image. I no longer actively try to fight against my body, although I more or less keep dancing and exercising. Maybe two classes a week and another workout, a run or strength class. I try not to identify with ‘dancer’ or ‘fit person’ and then beat myself up when the image wavers. I eat what I want, trying to listen to my body. This way, my mind is free from constant thoughts about food and weight, constant cravings and guilt, back and forth. It still happens that I fall into old patterns and binge, but everything is much more moderate. I know that I reach for food to comfort and numb myself and to fill needs I refuse to acknowledge. I know that I feel physically and mentally horrible afterwards and this often stops me. I am much more in tune with my body and sometimes at peace with it. This doesn’t mean that I love my body. My weight has gone up again and I feel fat most of the time (and I objectively am fat, no matter what Tom says). I am trying to do more strength training to maybe naturally get back to the weight I maintained for six months, the weight I can live with, which is 10 lb. lower than my current one. I have accepted that I will never be thin without a constant struggle and have given up the struggle for the moment in favour of peace of mind. I try to remind myself that size does not determine my worth as a person. My body will never ever look the way I want it to, anyway. I will only age from now on and am not willing to spend my whole life’s energy on my appearance.

Since the highs and lows in my life have become much less extreme, I am better able to function and allow myself to have bad days at work, not expecting perfection all the time. I still wish I was more productive and resilient, but am fighting the notion that working a lot means having more worth. I work at other things besides my job, things like growing as a person, fighting my own mind, things the others have already done or never had to do in the first place. I realise now that I spent my whole youth hiding and running away from life, head in the sand, numb from my eating disorder. I never learned how to be a real person and still have a lot of catching up to do.

Things with Tom are objectively good. He tells me he is happy with me, talks of moving in together some day, maybe next year (!). We cuddle all the time and never fight. This isn’t fake, either. I tell him if something bothers me and tell him to do the same, but he says nothing bothers him and he sees no reason for disagreements. He thanks me for everything I do for him and is always supportive. He doesn’t mind my size and tells me I’m pretty and he still finds me attractive. We share passion almost every week. There are moments when I think he is the loveliest person in the world and weekends are hard without him and I couldn’t imagine losing him.

But there are also moments when I wish he were different, more active, more passionate, more stereotypically masculine. I am curious to experience the ‘common’ form of intimacy, to explore his body. I hold back expressing this, but let him know sometimes that I would like to try. He tells me we will get there and apologises, and I do understand him and don’t want to make him uncomfortable or put pressure on him, but still… He also seems hidden from me in some ways. I’ve written about it before. He has seen me in so many vulnerable situations, naked, in pain, depressed, sick, tired, crying. I haven’t witnessed more than a cold or a moment of annoyance (not at me, though) or tiredness. I’ve never seen him really sad or angry. He tells me sometimes that he shouts at people who annoy him at work or in public, and also says he would fight if it came to it. I’ve never seen this side of him and until I do, I will not be able to say I truly know him. And until I truly know him and know that I still love him, moving in together makes me feel uncomfortable. It’s not that I suspect him of being violent or acting in front of me or anything bad. He just hasn’t shown me some parts of his personality that I would like to know about.

I’ve had a dream where I kissed another man and considered doing more and cheating. It was exciting in the dream. Since Tom was my first boyfriend, first kiss, first everything,  I have nothing to compare. It’s just that, while I am totally inexperienced, I am finally open enough to admit to being curious and having the wish to touch and know the touch to be welcome, be touched myself in different ways, be ultimately close. In real life, I don’t want to be unfaithful and I don’t want to hurt Tom. My wish is not a reason to leave him. Maybe it’s the ‘honeymoon phase being over’, as all the articles say. We’ve had a second honeymoon phase ever since our one year anniversary. I’ve also felt a great improvement since we manage regular, satisfying intimacy. But lately, I’ve become a little restless again. I want more. I want a partner who craves my touch, who lets me undress him and explore his body. A friend told me her partner always wants her to touch him, while Tom is very shy about some parts of his body. I’ve only seen him naked for a few seconds, months ago, and once in the dark. He has nothing to hide, he tells me. He just doesn’t like what I want, it doesn’t seem so alluring to him. I fear that putting pressure on him is counterproductive. All I can do is wait for him or leave him. And he does make it wonderful for me, that’s not it. It’s just that I want some form of intimacy he isn’t ready for and this unfulfilled wish is sometimes hard to have. It makes me have unkind thoughts sometimes, thoughts like, ‘You’re not man enough for me’ that would hurt him. Sometimes, it makes me resent him, especially when he is being very tender with me, but treating me rather like a beloved kitten than a woman. I get the urge to tell him, ‘I sometimes consider leaving you because you don’t…’ or, ‘I won’t commit further until we …’. It also makes me doubt myself and think he would, if only I was more attractive, i.e. thinner, had firmer skin etc. (He tells me that’s not the reason). It makes me feel unfeminine to have this wish and my fragile self-confidence vanishes. Oh, it’s complicated. We’ll see…

About annalienor

Lover of beauty, adult ballet student, deliberate creator wannabe.
This entry was posted in Dreams, Health, Love. Bookmark the permalink.

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