Something is happening. I feel strange. Something new is up and I don’t know what it is. I feel more emotions, more highs and lows. I have a new topic to think about, but I’m not sure which was first, the topic or the mental state. Anyway, I feel more energy inside myself and this feels good, even though it isn’t a positive thing I’m considering. Oh dear, am I making any sense? I want to talk about this to somebody, but my family are away this week and June… has no experience with this. There was no time to bring it up with Mrs. H, either. So maybe it helps to write it out.
One part of this new state is a restlessness and craving for music and movement. I very much enjoyed weight training last night, with loud music and hard work in a hot room full of people. It made me feel strong and straight, and I felt joy in using my body and gratitude for my health and strength. There is a new confidence that was missing for some time. A part of me wants to run very fast. Ballet on the other hand feels almost too dainty to me at the moment, even though it is very hard work as well. But this is only a minor matter and not what I actually wanted to explore.
In the last entry, I wrote how there are some unfulfilled wishes in my relationship with Tom and also mentioned one possibility, namely leaving him. In all my relationship with him, I have very rarely considered leaving him, usually when my hormones were in uproar or I hadn’t dared voice my needs. But this thought has recently come up more often. I wonder if he is right for me. I wonder if he will ever be more conscious of the way he does things, be flexible and open, or if he will only get more settled in his ways and all our interactions will become routines. I’ve also written about not knowing certain parts of him. Well, that changed last Thursday, and what I saw worried me a little.
Tom has recently bought himself new shirts that he loves. He was wearing a white one and got a drop of tomato sauce on it at dinner, which upset him very much. He began cursing and acting as if the shirt was ruined forever. I helped him to clean it and put it in the washing machine, but the stain was still faintly visible. I was confident that it would come out eventually, but Tom couldn’t let it go. Later that night, he seemed preoccupied and when we tried to be passionate, his heart wasn’t in it, so I couldn’t enjoy it either. We embraced and talked and I tried to find out why exactly he was so upset. He couldn’t tell me himself, which worried me. He said he was mad at himself for ruining his favourite shirt and he would have to ‘solve it’ by buying a new one, then he would feel better. I asked him if he blamed himself and saw himself in a bad light, and if that was the reason for his bad mood, and he said yes. I then encouraged him to forgive himself and reassured him that we would save the shirt, but he couldn’t shake it off. We slept and then parted for the weekend next morning.
That day, I suddenly felt very hopeless about our relationship. If Tom had so little self-compassion and emotional maturity, or whatever it is called, that he couldn’t put something like this into perspective and let it go, then what would happen if it wasn’t about a shirt but about me? Would he always expect himself to behave perfectly so as not to upset me? Would he suffer in silence rather than tell me about his needs if he felt they would in any way inconvenience me? This is not a healthy way to live. This is not a constructive way to have a relationship. I don’t want an outwardly perfect partner who won’t open up to me. I don’t want to have to have to walk on eggshells around him, always trying to find out what he wants because he doesn’t want to tell me. This is exhausting. I am working hard to overcome this tendency in myself because I don’t want to be like this. I want to be a real person, including flaws and needs, not a perfect, boring image. My partner should realise this and be mature enough to be himself, too.
(I was only just now able to get to the bottom of why this episode upset me so much… Writing does help.)
Combined with my wish for more variety and greater intimacy, this thought grew to an uneasiness and worry if this was ‘it’ and my relationship with Tom was beginning to end. I go back and forth between loving him as much as ever, missing him, revelling in our closeness and all the tiny love-y things I have always wanted, and resenting him, almost defiantly thinking I could live without him, feeling as if he loved me more than I love him. When we text, I notice that I want to leave the hearts and kisses out sometimes, and have to force myself to send them because I don’t want to hurt him. But I don’t want to lie, either. I wrote to him on Friday, when he asked me how I was feeling, that I was pensive and dissatisfied. He answered by saying that he hoped it wasn’t because of him and the last night, and assuring me that he loved me. What could I say to that? I’m not sure if my dissatisfaction isn’t entirely a consequence of my current mood and all the other issues in my personal growth. I don’t want to hurt him or worry him, especially when he is away and we can’t talk face to face, so I said no and reassured him.
Anyway, maybe it isn’t really the relationship, maybe I’m projecting my general feeling of emptiness and lack of passion into it. It’s easy to be excited if exciting things happen with your lover. But this shouldn’t be the only goal. If they were to happen, great passion or a real fight, both things that have energy, then life would be more exciting (for a while), that is true. But am I longing for it just to FEEL SOMETHING? Because life is exciting if there are ups and downs and I used to be chasing that energy, that passion, with music, dance, getting thinner, stronger, imagining love stories (always full of pining), seeing myself as a tragic, lonely heroine. I’m not sure if my mind is running away with this topic just because the idea of conflict and drama adds an energy to my life which I have missed… Life with Tom is nice, feeling loved is wonderful, and for a long time it was all new and kind of exciting, but now we have settled into it and there is a certain routine. There is no longing, no wondering, hoping, pining. We love each other and belong together. This is where the stories always got boring…
If I am honest, I don’t want to break up with Tom. I would certainly regret it. If he isn’t right for me, it will become clearer with time and I can leave when I have a real reason to be unhappy. There is no hurry. We don’t want children (I occasionally think it would be nice, but find no good reasons and drop the idea again) and while Tom sometimes talks about living together, I hope we will wait yet. A part of me doesn’t even want to tell him about this. Certainly not like, ‘I considered leaving you because of…’. But maybe we will have to talk. It’s always I who start the hard discussions. I feel guilty for making him uncomfortable, and worried that I won’t be able to make him understand exactly what I mean, worried that he will blame himself and try to be even more perfect to ‘solve it’. Or he might blow up, shout at me, or I might. We might have a real fight. I might be so overwhelmed that I will say the wrong thing. But if I say nothing, I will come to resent him. I will internally distance myself from him and he, being sensible, will notice and worry. No, we need to talk.