Last night was a normal evening with Tom. We made dinner together and kissed or hugged occasionally. The night before, we had been passionate in the usual way and afterwards told each other how much we loved each other and how happy we were together. A part of that atmosphere still seemed to linger between us. I can’t remember now whether it was before or after dinner, but there was a moment when I felt as if Tom was about to propose to me. He was telling me of one of his colleagues and that her boyfriend had talked about marrying her, and we were talking about it. We were standing face to face in a hug and I felt him looking at me. I didn’t look into his eyes then because I suddenly felt nervous. He seemed to hesitate and I tried to calm myself down internally. In that moment, I felt very conflicted.
The moment passed without awkwardness and we had a normal, peaceful and loving evening. Why did I feel so conflicted? We have talked about marriage many times and I have made it clear what I think of corny proposals and big weddings and that I only think marriage is needed if you want children, and we have established that we don’t want children. I had decided months ago for myself that I didn’t want a proposal because I didn’t feel able to say yes with all my heart. Yet at that moment, a part of me seemed to welcome the idea. Probably the part influenced by our culture and conventions and my ego. It is flattering to think that somebody might want to marry me. Especially when he doesn’t want children, i.e. wants me as a person, not just a suitable vessel for his offspring. It seems to give me more value and make me more lovable.
But as I said before, if he had asked me, I would not have known what to say. I love him and don’t want to break up and am even beginning to think of a future, maybe moving in together in a few years… Yet sometimes, I have daydreams or wonder what it would be like to fall in love with a different man, to get to know somebody else, to be intimate and make love… Sometimes, I wonder if Tom is the right one for me because I have no other experiences, no opportunity to compare. As long as we are happy together and moving in the right direction, I don’t want to risk or destroy what we have just because I’m curious. But no, I’m not sure. And I’m glad he didn’t ask me because he would pick up on my doubts even if I tried to hide them. It would hurt and unsettle him and it might destroy our happiness. Better leave things as they are.