I am not happy right now. Why? I hate myself, that’s why. And why do I hate myself? The first thing that comes to mind is my body, followed by my wealth and status, followed by my character and intellect. But it all comes down to this: I feel worthless and unlovable and utterly reject myself.

Body weight, shape, fitness: I am fat and have no hope of losing weight without going back into the eating disorder. I have tried again and again and every time I get obsessed and anxious and the exhausting mental and physical ‘back and forth’ begins. Apparently, I have to accept being fat, for my weight has stabilised at around 84 kg/185 lb. That’s 4 kg more than last year, and I found that weight really hard to accept in the first place… I am trying to eat at a very moderate deficit and do more strength classes, but it’s mentally a slippery slope and the weight doesn’t move. Now I’m not only fat but also have loose skin from when I was really fat. Lose/lose. My shape is also inharmonious, with huge hips, bottom and thighs and a much smaller upper body. All my clothes look silly because my shape is like this. I feel ugly and ashamed of my body.

Wealth and status and productivity: I am not making much money, working part-time, yet feel unable to work more. I’m working as a ‘lower’ function, not what I originally trained for, because it would be too taxing for me. Even this work exhausts me. I consider dropping my thesis, too, and spending my free time at home instead of in the office. All my colleagues are much more productive and resilient. Tom, too. I feel inferior and ashamed.

Character, intellect: I feel boring and stupid and inarticulate, ‘slow’. I’ve had a good education and often listen to audiobooks, but I still think I’m pretty stupid. I am socially rather awkward or have to work extremely hard to seem otherwise (which is exhausting). Sometimes, I forget the simplest thing or make embarrassing blunders. I also find it hard to formulate thoughts sometimes. I have no real hobby or passion. Ballet is there and I still go sometimes, but my passion is gone and I feel ugly and frustrated in class. I haven’t run for months and crafts and cooking don’t truly excite me. How boring my life is. I don’t travel or have a lot of friends, no children, no career. Here, too, I feel ashamed and inferior.

Mrs. H said I had to find a passion or a project, find out who I am and what I want to do. Trying to reach ideals is no longer an option. So, who am I without my ‘moving with music’ obsession? Without my weight loss success? Even without my eating disorder?

The problem is that I think I am… worthless and insignificant, a nobody. That means that all my reasons above mean nothing! It’s the underlying shame and self-loathing that makes me feel sad, and no amount of external success or unhealthy coping mechanisms will cure it (only cover it up).

About annalienor

Lover of beauty, adult ballet student, deliberate creator wannabe.
This entry was posted in Ballet, Health, Milestone, Music, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

1 Response to Introspection

  1. Stephanie says:

    I’m sorry you feel (or were feeling) so down on yourself… Hopefully you’ve been feeling better in the days after writing this post.

    I haven’t commented on any of your posts in a while, but I’ve been following since around December 2015, and from everything I’ve read from you, I know you’re not boring or stupid or inarticulate. Sure, it’s easier to express your thoughts in writing, when you can take your time and go back and edit before sharing them, but still, I don’t think a stupid person could have written what you have. It’s very engaging and relatable.

    Speaking of relatability, I can certainly relate to feeling socially inadequate. I feel that way about myself all the time. None of it comes naturally, it’s generally very uncomfortable, and my mind often goes blank about what to say, and stubbornly goes down a path of anxiety-fueled thoughts instead of thinking about anything that could actually fuel a conversation. I’ve always struggled with that type of thing. For me, I think a lot of it is a combination of being out of practice, and not spending my free time doing things that would help me have things to talk about. Maybe it’s similar for you, and maybe it’s not, but I guess my point is that there are a lot of factors at play and I absolutely don’t think that your intelligence is the issue.

    I guess that’s all I wanted to say. Have a nice week, and please take it easy on yourself.

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